让小的干吧
Get the kid
A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65，never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is in their 70s，80s，or 90s. So when something has to be moved，lifted or loaded，they yell，“Get the kid.”
让小的干吧
这里想对将要退休的人提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话，千万别进退休社区。因为那里的人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们会喊，“让小的干吧。”
Are you using your mower this afternoon？
Mr. Johnson：Are you using your mower this afternoon？
Mr. Smith：Yes.
Mr. Johnson：Fine. Then can I borrow your tennis racket，since you won't be needing it？
约翰逊先生：今天下午你准备用割草机吗？
史密斯先生：是的。
约翰逊先生：太好了。既然您不用网球拍，那我可以借用一下吗？
Class and Ass
Professor Laurie of Glasgow put his notice on his door： “Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today.”
A student，after reading the notice，rubbed out the “c”.
Later Professor Laurie came along，and entering into the spirit of the joke，rubbed out the “l”.
班和笨驴
格拉斯哥的劳里教授在门上贴了这样一个通知：“劳里教授今天的课程取消。”
一个学生读了通知后，擦掉了字母“c”（lass：姑娘）。
后来劳里教授来了，也想开开玩笑，他擦掉了字母“l”（ass：笨驴）。
A little girl was lost，so she went up to a policeman and said，“I've lost my mom！” The cop said，“What's she like？” The little girl replied，“Shopping and gossiping！”
有一个小女孩走丢了，于是她走到一个警察跟前说：“我妈妈不见了！”
这个警察说：“她什么样子？”
小女孩回答：“买东西和说闲话！”
Contented married life
A man was telling one of his friends the secret of his contented married life，“My wife makes all the small decisions，” he explained，“and I make all the big ones，so we never interfere in each other's business and never get annoyed with each other. We have no complaints and no arguments.”
“That sounds reasonable，” answered his friend sympathetically. “And what sort of decisions does your wife make？”
“Well，” answered the man，“she decides what jobs I apply for，what sort of house we live in，what furniture we have，where we go for our holidays，and things like that.”
His friend was surprised. “Oh？” he said. “And what do you consider important decisions then？”
“Well，” answered the man，“I decide who should be Prime Minister，whether we should increase our help to poor countries，what we should do about the atom bomb，and things like that.”
令人满意的婚姻生活
一个男人告诉他的朋友自己婚姻幸福美满的秘密。“小事都由我妻子决定，”他解释说：“而我只管大事，我们从不互相干涉，从不生对方的气。我们从来没有抱怨、没有争吵。”
“听起来很有道理，”他的朋友深有同感，“哪些事情是由你妻子作决定呢？”
“嗯，”那个人回答说：“她决定我申请什么工作，我们住什么房子，买什么家具，去哪里度假这些事情。”
他的朋友很惊奇地问道：“哦？那么你决定哪些重要事情？”
“嗯，”他回答：“我决定谁来当首相，我们是否要增加对贫困国家的援助，怎么处理原子弹等等这些问题。”
All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later
Mary was so disgusted at her husband's cigarette smoking that she complained to him one day.
‘I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday.’
‘Don't worry，dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later.’He said with a smile.
所有的烟卷都会点着的
玛丽非常讨厌丈夫吸烟，一天她对丈夫抱怨说：“我希望有一天所有卷烟厂都失火。”
“不用担心，亲爱的，所有的烟卷迟早都会点着的。”他笑着说。
A man goes to church and starts talking to God.
He says：“God，what is a million dollars to you？” and God says：“A penny”，then the man says：“God，what is a million years to you？” and God says：“a second”，then the man says：“God，can I have a penny？” and God says：“In a second.”
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话。
他问：“主啊，一百万美元对你意味着多少？”上帝回答：“一便士。”男子又问：“那一百万年呢？”上帝说：“一秒钟。”最后男子请求道：“上帝，我能得到一便士吗？”上帝回答：“过一秒钟。”
单词&词组
retirement [ri5taiEmEnt] n.退职，退休
mower [5mEuE] n.割草机
fake [feik] n.假货，欺骗
gossip [5^Csip] n.闲话，闲谈
contented [kEn5tentid] adj.满足的，心安的
interfere [7intE5fiE] vi.干涉，干预
apply for 请求，申请