新员工
A smart housewife
A smart housewife was told that there was a kind of stove which would only consume half of the coal she was burning.
She was very excited，and said：“That'll be terrific！ Since one stove can save half of the coal，if I buy two，no coal will be needed.”
精明的家庭主妇
一位精明的家庭主妇听说有一种炉子用起来可以比她现在用的炉子省一半的煤。
她听了大为兴奋，说：“太好了！一个炉子可以省一半的煤，那么如果我买两个炉子的话，不就可以把煤全都省下来了吗？”
A heavy sleeper
The preacher was vexed because a certain member of his congregation always fell asleep during the sermon.
As the man was snoring in the front row one Sunday，the preacher determined he would teach him not to sleep during the sermon. So，in a whisper，he asked the congregation. “All who want to go to heaven，please rise.” Everyone got up except the snorer. After whispering “Be seated”，the minister shouted at the top of his voiced，“All those who want to be with the devil，please rise.”
Awaking with a start，the sleepy-head jumped to his feet and saw the preacher standing tall and angry in the pulpit，“Well，sir，” he said，“I don't know what we're voting on，but it looks like you and me are the only ones for it.”
瞌睡者
牧师非常生气，因为总有一个人在他布道时打瞌睡。
一个星期天，正当坐在前排的那个人又在瞌睡时，牧师决定要好好教育他一下，让他不要再在布道时睡觉。于是他低声对信徒们说：“想去天堂的人，都请站起来吧。”所有的人都站了起来——当然，除了那个打瞌睡的人。在低声说过请坐后，牧师高声喊道：“想下地狱的人请站起来！”
打瞌睡的人被这突然的喊叫声惊醒了，他站了起来。看到牧师高站在教坛上，正生气地看着他。这个人说道：“噢，先生，我不知道我们在选什么，但看上去只有你和我是候选人。”
A new employee
Several weeks after a young man had been hired，he was called into the personnel director's office.
“What is the meaning of this？” the director asked. “When you applied for the job，you told us you had five years'experience. Now we discover this is the first job you ever held.”
“Well，” the young man said，“in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination.”
新员工
一个年轻人在被雇用几个星期后，被叫到人事经理的办公室。
“这是什么意思？”经理问，“当你申请这份工作时，你告诉我们有五年工作经验，现在我们发现这其实是你的第一份工作。”
“嗯，”年轻人回答，“你们的广告上说需要找一个有想象力的人嘛。”
Guns buried in the garden
An old man lived alone in Northern Ireland. His only son was in prison. The old man wanted to plant some potatoes in his garden but he didn't know anyone who would help him plow up the garden.
He wrote to his son about it，and received this reply，“For HEAVENS SAKE，don't dig up that garden，that's where I buried the GUNS！”
At 4 AM the next morning，a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden，but didn't find any guns.
Confused，the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was：“Just plant your potatoes.”
埋在花园里的枪
一个老人独居在北爱尔兰，他的独生子正在坐牢。老人想在花园里种些土豆，但不知道谁可以帮忙把泥土翻松。他写信想儿子提及此事，儿子回信说道：“看在上帝的面上，千万不要翻松花园的泥土，我把枪埋在那儿了。”
第二天凌晨4点，一队英国士兵出现在老人家中，在花园把土地翻遍，但并没有找到任何枪支。”
老人写信告诉儿子这件奇怪的事情，问到底发生了什么事情，下一步应该怎么做。
儿子回信道：“你只管种土豆好了。”
单词&词组
terrific [tE5rifik] adj.令人恐怖的，极好的
preacher [5pri：tFE(r)] n.传教士；讲道
vex [veks] vt.使烦恼，恼怒
congregation [7kCn^ri5^eiFEn] n.集合，集会，[宗]圣会
sermon [5sE：mEn] n.训诫，说教，布道
pulpit [5pulpit] n. (教堂的)讲道坛
vote on 表决
imagination [i7mAdVi5neiFEn] n.想象，空想，想象的事物
plow up 犁出，犁掉；深翻，深耕
confuse 搞乱，使糊涂
知道不知道
“布道”是圣经中的要道，因为福音是圣经基本的信息。主耶稣的大使命，可指为布道的大宪章。布道是使万民作主的门徒，这大使命记载在马太福音廿八章十八至廿节，可分为三大要项，都以分词(participle)来说明：“去，使万民作门徒”、“给他们施洗”、“教训他们”。
第一章 Cannonical Murphy's laws of combat
墨菲定律（战场版）
1. Friendly fire - isn't.
友军火力一点儿都不友好。（美军术语Friendly fire是指“被自己人误伤”）
2. Recoilless rifles - aren't.
无坐力炮的后坐力大着呢。
3. Suppressive fires - won't.
压制火力啥也压制不了。
4. You are not Superman；Marines and fighter pilots take note.
你不是超人，陆战队员和战斗机飞行员特别要紧记这一条。
5. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
胸口被打个大洞，你就自然而然会停下来。（sucking是正在飙血的意思）
6. If it's stupid but it works，it isn't stupid.
如果一个蠢方法有用，那它就不是一个蠢方法。
7. Try to look unimportant；the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
装成无关紧要的人，敌人可能子弹不多，不想浪费在你身上。
8. If at first you don't succeed，call in an air strike.
如果你的攻击没成功，马上呼叫空袭支援吧。
9. If you are forward of your position，your artillery will fall short.
每当你开始进攻时，炮兵也会越打越近。
10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
永远别跟比你勇敢的战友呆在同一个散兵坑里。
11. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
永远别跟比你疯狂的人一起睡觉。
12. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
永远别忘了你手上的武器是由出价最低的承包商中标制造的。
13. If your attack is going really well，it's an ambush.
如果你的攻击进行得很顺利，那一定是你中了圈套。
14. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
那支你以为是徉动的敌兵其实是主攻部队。
15. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions： a. When they're ready. b. When you're not.
敌人总会在以下两种情况发生时展开攻击：1)他们准备好的时候；2)你没准备好的时候。
16. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
任何作战计划在接敌之后都会变成废纸。
17. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
完美的计划是不存在的。
18. Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
手榴弹的五秒引信总会在三秒内烧完。
19. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
散兵坑里不存在无神论者。
20. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
逃跑的敌军大概只是打算先撤退后反击。
21. The important things are always simple；the simple are always hard.
重要的事情总是简单的；简单的事情总是难以做到的。
22. The easy way is always mined.
好走的路总已被布上地雷。
23. Teamwork is essential；it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
集体行动非常必要；起码敌人有其他目标可以射击了。
24. Don't look conspicuous；it draws fire. For this reason，it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
不要太显眼，因为那会吸引敌方火力。因此，航空母舰被称作“炸弹磁铁”就不奇怪了。
25. Never draw fire；it irritates everyone around you.
不要吸引敌人火力；这会使你身边所有的人都恨你。
26. If you are short of everything but the enemy，you are in the combat zone.
如果你除了敌人什么都缺，那你一定在交战区了。
27. When you have secured the area，make sure the enemy knows it too.