书城青春别笑,一本正经的文言文
827900000022

第22章 今文篇 正版的山寨文言文 (3)

南阳诸葛庐,西蜀子云亭。

狐朋云:喝酒喝酒。

陋室铭——联谊宿舍

身不在高,健壮就行,

型不在帅,活跃则灵。

宿舍联谊,亦动亦静,

雨夜游中大,执伞诉真情。

畅行中山医,吃喝又留影,

叹两校相距远,赞两舍心连心。

可以常通信,电话勤,

不怕见面少,小聚更珍惜。

舍长说:“永结同心!”

陋室铭——麻将铭

艺不在精,有钱则灵;

人不在多,四位则行;

斯是清娱,唯麻将经。

断幺断九来,最好门前清,

海底捞月爽,杠上寻欢心,

可以强精神,活脑筋。

有昼夜之娱遣,无男女之区分;

四圈见胜负,得意勿忘形。

赌鬼云:何厌之有?

陋室铭——开会

室不在大,有凳就行,人不在多,无头不成。

说得再严厉,迟到不要紧。八点半开始,九点钟进行。

谈笑任自由,往来无拘谨。可以织毛线,抽香烟,嗑瓜子,侃大山。

材料两公斤,内容只一钱。台上照着念,台下随手翻。

无动脑之劳神,无记录之麻烦,开水喝了几大桶,厕所去了四五番。

有的打瞌睡,有的打哈欠。

时时抬手腕,盼望快点散,忽闻声“同志们”,接着又是“一二三”。

从头至尾再叙述,众人曰:有完没完?

高发讽老庞纳谏

周玉秋八尺有余,而形貌诡异。早晨检查,窥镜,谓大灭曰:“我孰与丐帮徐公公高发?”大灭曰:“君高甚,徐公公何能及君也!”丐帮徐公公,高中之高发者也。秋不自信,而复问小灭曰:“吾孰与徐公公高发?”小灭曰:“徐公公何能及君也!”旦曰,成从外来,与坐谈,问之成曰:“吾与徐公公孰高发?”成曰:“徐公公不若君之高也。”明日,徐公公来,孰视之,自以为不如;窥镜而自视,又弗如远甚。暮寝而思之,曰:“大灭之高我者,私我也;小灭之高我者,畏我也;成之高我者,欲有求于我也。学生发至如此,必剪之而后快!”

于是上楼见老庞,曰:“臣诚知不如徐公公高发。大灭绝私臣,小灭绝畏臣,玉成哥欲有求于臣,皆以高于徐公公。今高中方几里,百二十班,年部左右莫不私庞,老师同学莫不畏庞,围栏之内莫不有求于庞。由此观之,庞之蔽甚矣。”

庞曰:“善。”乃下令:“各班男生,发长过三寸者,必须剪;长约及二寸者,也得剪;长不足一寸,但用剪子刻者,更得剪。留头不留发,留发不留头!”令初下,群生理发,高中若寺;数月之后,丝丝而剪尽;期年之后,虽欲剪,早没毛矣。

盘锦高中闻之,号曰:“远学河北衡水,近学本溪高中。”此所谓战胜于发型。

80后墓志铭

夫80后者,初从文,未及义务教育之免费,不逮高等学校之分配,适值扩招,过五关,斩六将,硕博相继,寒窗数载,二十四乃成,负债十万。觅生计,背井离乡,南下深圳,披星戴月,秉烛达旦,十年无休,蓄十万。楼市暴涨,无栖处,购房金不足首付,遂投股市,翌年缩至万余,随抑郁成疾,入院一周,倾其所有病无果,因欠费被逐院门。寻医保,不合大病之规,拒付,无奈带病还。友怜之,赠三鹿奶粉一包,鸡蛋数枚。翌日,卒。

只能看不能读的古文

乍一看以为是乱码……翻译完这篇古文后,一中文博士精神崩溃了。

1.赵元任《施氏食狮史》

石室诗士施氏,嗜狮,誓食十狮。施氏时时适市视狮。十时,适十狮适市。是时,适施氏适市。氏视是十狮,恃矢势,使是十狮逝世。氏拾是十狮尸,适石室。石室湿,氏使侍拭石室。石室拭,氏始试食是十狮。食时,始识是十狮,实十石狮尸。试释是事。

2.杨富森《于瑜与余欲渔遇雨》

于瑜欲渔,遇余于寓。语余:“余欲渔于渝淤,与余渔渝欤?”

余语于瑜:“余欲鬻玉,俞禹欲玉,余欲遇俞于俞寓。”

余与于瑜遇俞禹于俞寓,逾俞隅,欲鬻玉于俞,遇雨,雨逾俞宇。余语于瑜:“余欲渔于渝淤,遇雨俞寓,雨逾俞宇,欲渔欤?鬻玉欤?”

于瑜与余御雨于俞寓,俞鬻玉于余禹,雨愈,余与于瑜踽踽逾俞宇,渔于渝淤。

3.《季姬击鸡记》

季姬寂,集鸡,鸡即棘鸡。棘鸡饥叽,季姬及箕稷济鸡。鸡既济,跻姬笈,季姬忌,急咭鸡,鸡急,继圾几,季姬急,即籍箕击鸡,箕疾击几伎,伎即齑,鸡叽集几基,季姬急极屐击鸡,鸡既殛,季姬激,即记《季姬击鸡记》。

4.《遗镒疑医》

伊姨殪,遗亿镒。伊诣邑,意医姨疫,一医医伊姨。翌,亿镒遗,疑医,以议医。医以伊疑,缢,以移伊疑。伊倚椅以忆,忆以亿镒遗,以议伊医,亦缢。噫!亦异矣!

5.《易姨医胰》

易姨悒悒,依议诣夷医。医疑胰疫,遗意易姨倚椅,以异仪移姨胰,弋异蚁一亿,胰液溢,蚁殪,胰以医。易胰怡怡,贻医一夷衣。医衣夷衣,怡怡奕奕。噫!以蚁医胰,异矣!以夷衣贻夷医亦宜矣!

6.赵元任《熙戏犀》

西溪犀,喜嬉戏。席熙夕夕携犀徙,席熙细细习洗犀。犀吸溪,戏袭熙。席熙嘻嘻希息戏。惜犀嘶嘶喜袭熙。

7.《饥鸡集矶记》

唧唧鸡,鸡唧唧。几鸡挤挤集矶脊。机极疾,鸡饥极,鸡冀己技击及鲫。机既济蓟畿,鸡计疾机激几鲫。机疾极,鲫极悸,急急挤集矶级际。继即鲫迹极寂寂,继即几鸡既饥,即唧唧。

8.《侄治痔》

芝之稚侄郅,至智,知制纸,知织帜,芝痔炙痔,侄至芝址,知之知芷汁治痔,至芷址,执芷枝,蜘至,踯侄,执直枝掷之,蜘止,侄执芷枝至芝,芝执芷治痔,痔止。

9.最后也是最变态的:

《羿裔熠邑彝》

羿裔熠,邑彝,义医,艺诣。

熠姨遗一裔伊,伊仪迤,衣旖,异奕矣。

熠意伊矣,易衣以贻伊,伊遗衣,衣异衣以意异熠,熠抑矣。

伊驿邑,弋一翳,弈毅。毅仪奕,诣弈,衣异,意逸。毅诣伊,益伊,伊怡,已臆毅矣,毅亦怡伊。

翌,伊亦弈毅。毅以蜴贻伊,伊亦贻衣以毅。

伊疫,呓毅,癔异矣,倚椅咿咿,毅亦咿咿。

毅诣熠,意以熠,议熠医伊,熠懿毅,意役毅逸。毅以熠宜伊,翼逸。

熠驿邑以医伊,疑伊胰痍,以蚁医伊,伊遗异,溢,伊咦。熠移伊,刈薏以医,伊益矣。

伊忆毅,亦呓毅矣,熠意伊毅已逸,熠意役伊。伊异,噫,缢。

熠癔,亦缢。

文言版《奥巴马演讲》

Hello,Chicago!

芝城父老,别来无恙!

If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.

余尝闻世人有疑,不知当今美利坚凡事皆可成就耶?开国先贤之志方岿然于世耶?民主之伟力不减于昔年耶?凡存诸疑者,今夕当可释然。

It’s the answer told by lines that stretched around schools and churches in numbers this nation has never seen, by people who waited three hours and four hours, many for the first time in their lives, because they believed that this time must be different, that their voices could be that difference.

今夕之释然,皆蒙美利坚民众之协力——学塾祠庙之外,市井乡野之间,万千父老心焦似焚,苦待竟日,愿献一票之力。其中,平生未尝涉国事者,数亦不少,而今有此义举,皆因一念不衰——今夫天下,非同既往,愿发吁天之声,必成动地之势。

It’s the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled. Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been just a collection of individuals or a collection of red states and blue states. We are, and always will be, the United States of America.

今夕之释然,皆仰吾国同胞之齐心——何谈贫富老幼之差、党社宗族之异,惶论发肤肌体之别、志趣爱恶之分。吾国既以“合众”为名,吾辈则更无疏离之意,红蓝二党并肩而立,数十邦州挽手相合,无分你我,共称一家,昂然于世,齐声一呼,天下乃有此释然。

It’s the answer that led those who’ve been told for so long by so many to be cynical and fearful and doubtful about what we can achieve to put their hands on the arc of history and bend it once more toward the hope of a better day.

今夕之释然,皆因愤懑者之镇静,忧惧者之勇气,犹疑者之笃定——平素世间种种,消磨其志向,溃灭其梦想,而值此风云之际,除旧更新,当仁不让,倾力而动乾坤者,更何人哉!

It’s been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this date in this election at this defining moment change has come to America.

俟之诚久,其志弥坚。幸天地明察,乃有今日,乃有此刻,乃有此一选举,乃有我亿万美利坚大好国民——吾邦之大变革,方得自兹而始也!

A little bit earlier this evening, I received an extraordinarily gracious call from Sen. McCain.

Sen. McCain fought long and hard in this campaign. And he’s fought even longer and harder for the country that he loves. He has endured sacrifices for America that most of us cannot begin to imagine. We are better off for the service rendered by this brave and selfless leader. I congratulate him; I congratulate Gov. Palin for all that they’ve achieved. And I look forward to working with them to renew this nation’s promise in the months ahead.

顷接参议员麦君凯恩电,虽未得晤,幸有一谈,其言谆谆,其意诚诚,鄙人感佩之至。选战期内,麦君劳碌几重,奔波几许,皆为国家计。诸般求索,时日良多,皆非余所能及。于国于民之惊人牺牲,亦非庸庸如吾辈者所可想见。以麦君之胆魄襟怀,能为吾邦所用,实国家之幸,万民之幸也。前途漫漫,其事未竟,余所盼瞩由衷者,唯共麦凯恩君、佩林君,及诸贤士比肩,会吾等之绵力,成吾邦之大业。

I want to thank my partner in this journey, a man who campaigned from his heart, and spoke for the men and women he grew up with on the streets of Scranton and rode with on the train home to Delaware, the vice president-elect of the United States, Joe Biden.

乔君拜登,亦吾所感铭至深者也。竞选之业,艰险不足与外人道,幸有乔君之辅佐,其诚天可鉴之。乔君其人,素言恳辞切,意笃情真,盖尝经斯兰克顿街乡邻之提命,饱聆特拉华州父老之晤教也。他日余既登总统之位,乔君必当副之。

And I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my best friend for the last 16 years the rock of our family, the love of my life, the nation’s next first lady Michelle Obama.